Mom is back in the hospital. My thoughts are with her and her recovery. I have written and erased this post three times which leads me to believe that my feelings are a bit complicated about her experience as a patient. The important piece of information is that she is getting the help she needs.
Times have changed. We no longer have a neighborhood doctor who goes to church with us and knows our families. We have three different primary care physicians in our family and I have the following additional doctors: cardiologist, neurologist, rheumatologist, physical therapist, gynecologist, and hematologist. I love some of them and suffer through the arrogance of the others. I currently have been trying to get an appointment with my cardiologist for 3 weeks. His office will not call me back because I am fine. Which begs the question of why I have to see him every year? Let me go, please.
I am no better or worse a patient than my parents. When I am sick, I pretend to feel better than I do; I hate hospitals, and I am the boss of me. The doctor who knows all of that about me will be retiring any second now. She will be replaced by a 12 year old who I will hate initially but will hopefully come to grudgingly respect. I can't wait. Really.
So, what it really boils down to is that I am feeling grateful that the imperfect system we have in place managed to catch my mom as she was falling. I will try and keep the faith in our medical system, against the odds.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Notes from the Pew
I'm really enjoying not teaching RE this fall. I love the curriculum, I love the kids, and I love Margaret (our RE director) but I also love hearing sermons. When I chose to attend church as an adult, I initially made that decision because I wanted to give my kids a spiritual framework. I also wanted a free thinking group of folks who could band together when we saw injustice in the world and make a difference. Of course, the UU's spend a lot of time thinking about which particular injustice should get our time and resources but we always eventually land on something. I have said before that every Sunday I attend I end up singing and crying. Without fail. That is worth the price of admission on it's own. As I was crying this week, I had the thought that crying is soul work because we are opening up and letting wisdom/emotion/pain flow through. It is often tears of joy but not always. I also had the thought that crying is not about weakness and that our culture has that wrong.
But there is more.....this Sunday a group of parishioners spoke about what they believe. All ages, all races, and all cultural backgrounds. The youngest is 12 and the oldest in her 60's. All spoke from the heart about the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions (12), believing in the unlimited potential of the human race (16), and the extraordinary in the ordinary (60's). The stories were inspirational and the honesty and openness, inspiring.
Changes are happening in my beloved community. I am on the committee to find candidates for an interim ministerial position. Judith is retiring to pursue her own spiritual quest. She was the perfect minister for me and so many others. I can't imagine anyone else as my spiritual teacher and then I receive a teaching from a 12 year old.
As I grapple with Judith's last year of ministry with us, I promise to stay open to the new possibilities. I also promise to do my best at finding balanced candidates to help us bridge the gap as we let go of the known and move toward the unknown.
This guy plays it better:
http://www.youtube.com/v/KiypaURysz4?version=3&list=PL4E982DE936554472&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=H46R3vx49ofTApJftGLBRQ&showinfo=1&feature=share
But there is more.....this Sunday a group of parishioners spoke about what they believe. All ages, all races, and all cultural backgrounds. The youngest is 12 and the oldest in her 60's. All spoke from the heart about the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions (12), believing in the unlimited potential of the human race (16), and the extraordinary in the ordinary (60's). The stories were inspirational and the honesty and openness, inspiring.
Changes are happening in my beloved community. I am on the committee to find candidates for an interim ministerial position. Judith is retiring to pursue her own spiritual quest. She was the perfect minister for me and so many others. I can't imagine anyone else as my spiritual teacher and then I receive a teaching from a 12 year old.
As I grapple with Judith's last year of ministry with us, I promise to stay open to the new possibilities. I also promise to do my best at finding balanced candidates to help us bridge the gap as we let go of the known and move toward the unknown.
This guy plays it better:
http://www.youtube.com/v/KiypaURysz4?version=3&list=PL4E982DE936554472&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=H46R3vx49ofTApJftGLBRQ&showinfo=1&feature=share
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Snippets
Stop
My sister had a childhood friend who ended up sleeping with all of our boyfriends and some of our husbands but I digress.....she was a single mom who said "I just see extra work when it comes to birthdays and holidays." This morning when my husband told me his workmates had put together a Halloween extravaganza for the children of employees, I said, "Aren't they too old for that?"
Sometimes, in the whirl of life I forget how blessed I am that life is whirling. Bitterness sneaks up on the back of fatigue so I am headed out to yoga to knock it off.
My little red riding hood and Neo were not too old. It was me.
And
Do you want your kids to be happy or to be accomplished? People who are good at things have put in some pain time. And that brings me to yoga. I spent the bulk of last night, as I do most Tuesdays, trying not to cry or vomit. My teacher is not unduly hard but I am unduly broken. It is not relaxing or easy and I am not happy while doing it. Yet every Tuesday I go because I know that I have to try and undo some of what I have done to myself. I am trying to figure out where the drive to do hard, unpleasant things for a greater good comes from. How do we teach it? Can we teach it? I just know that we need to.....
Rejoice
I noticed today that I am not creating enough art. For the first time in many years, I did not make origami bats with some of my students. Never mind that nobody came down to guidance and said, "hey, where are all the cool origami bats"? To be balanced is to create...food, music, a line up a cliff, or an origami bat. Tonight, I am starting on Christmas gifts, while watching the Sox win the world series. Surely.
My sister had a childhood friend who ended up sleeping with all of our boyfriends and some of our husbands but I digress.....she was a single mom who said "I just see extra work when it comes to birthdays and holidays." This morning when my husband told me his workmates had put together a Halloween extravaganza for the children of employees, I said, "Aren't they too old for that?"
Sometimes, in the whirl of life I forget how blessed I am that life is whirling. Bitterness sneaks up on the back of fatigue so I am headed out to yoga to knock it off.
My little red riding hood and Neo were not too old. It was me.
And
Do you want your kids to be happy or to be accomplished? People who are good at things have put in some pain time. And that brings me to yoga. I spent the bulk of last night, as I do most Tuesdays, trying not to cry or vomit. My teacher is not unduly hard but I am unduly broken. It is not relaxing or easy and I am not happy while doing it. Yet every Tuesday I go because I know that I have to try and undo some of what I have done to myself. I am trying to figure out where the drive to do hard, unpleasant things for a greater good comes from. How do we teach it? Can we teach it? I just know that we need to.....
Rejoice
I noticed today that I am not creating enough art. For the first time in many years, I did not make origami bats with some of my students. Never mind that nobody came down to guidance and said, "hey, where are all the cool origami bats"? To be balanced is to create...food, music, a line up a cliff, or an origami bat. Tonight, I am starting on Christmas gifts, while watching the Sox win the world series. Surely.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
You can't rant with a lama
Well, it wasn't the lack of sleep. I am still surly. Perhaps, along with one's teeth and knees and bowels, one's patience ages? I cut off a team member today in the middle of her haranguing a parent because a. I could as the chair of the meeting...b. She was being unkind.....and c. My patience has a patina. It glows with wisdom and then cracks wide open.
I think I'm OK with this state of things. As a younger therapist, I worked my tail off to see every point of view and made sure I was operating from an unbiased stance. There is no such thing and not everything is deserving of equal time. Too much patience leads to collusion and an avoidance of saying hard truths. I'm done being accepting and understanding of teachers who don't honor students. Truly and completely done.
Lovingkindness by H.H. the XIV Dalai Lama
Right from the moment of our birth
We are under the care and kindness of our parents.
And then later on in our lives
when we are oppressed
by sickness
and become old,
we are again dependent
on the kindness of others.
Since at the beginning
and end of our lives
we are so dependent on
others' kindness,
how can it be
that in the middle
we neglect kindness
towards others?
I will begin anew tomorrow:)
I think I'm OK with this state of things. As a younger therapist, I worked my tail off to see every point of view and made sure I was operating from an unbiased stance. There is no such thing and not everything is deserving of equal time. Too much patience leads to collusion and an avoidance of saying hard truths. I'm done being accepting and understanding of teachers who don't honor students. Truly and completely done.
Lovingkindness by H.H. the XIV Dalai Lama
Right from the moment of our birth
We are under the care and kindness of our parents.
And then later on in our lives
when we are oppressed
by sickness
and become old,
we are again dependent
on the kindness of others.
Since at the beginning
and end of our lives
we are so dependent on
others' kindness,
how can it be
that in the middle
we neglect kindness
towards others?
I will begin anew tomorrow:)
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Back in Texas
I'm in Houston, in no small part to the heroic efforts of family and friends who are stepping up and in while I am away. If you want to see how you will look when you are 80, get up at 3:30 in the morning and ride a couple of vans and a plane to travel out of state. Then talk to 37 health care providers on a Friday who are contemplating discharging your mother without a solid plan in place. Finally, FaceTime your kids that night with your chin tucked into your neck so the camera angle captures all possible folds.
Make no mistake, there are two health care systems in this country: one for patients with resources, one for patients without. Our family is lucky but even in a great hospital, you have to advocate for appropriate treatment. In between tracking down doctors, making and receiving calls yesterday I thought about the fate of the patients who were in that same hospital alone.
I find it a bit ironic that I am in the state that is producing the jackass that is trying to take down universal healthcare at the same time I'm realizing we need even more. I was proud to hear my mom issue a tirade to that effect even in the midst of her pain yesterday.
The good news is that my lack of sleep has not made me surly:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Make no mistake, there are two health care systems in this country: one for patients with resources, one for patients without. Our family is lucky but even in a great hospital, you have to advocate for appropriate treatment. In between tracking down doctors, making and receiving calls yesterday I thought about the fate of the patients who were in that same hospital alone.
I find it a bit ironic that I am in the state that is producing the jackass that is trying to take down universal healthcare at the same time I'm realizing we need even more. I was proud to hear my mom issue a tirade to that effect even in the midst of her pain yesterday.
The good news is that my lack of sleep has not made me surly:)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Friday, September 20, 2013
Headed back
Good news on the Cancer front: Mom came through a 10 hour surgery and the docs assure us that they got it all. I'm headed out in a few days to help in the recovery process and to get "boots on the ground."
I started hearing that phrase as Congress and the President lobbied back and forth about what to do in Syria. I am so very tired of the idea that surgical strikes can only harm the bad guys. There must be a place we can evolve into that doesn't involve killing people. Surgeons work for 10 hours in teams to save a life and yet we talk so casually about taking others. I sometimes wonder if my political beliefs are sagging just like my.....well, other parts.
So I ponder the metaphysics of it all....which life is worth saving and which is expendable. Which lives I would give my life for and I think back to the dharma talk I attended a couple of months ago. Geishe Dondup told his audience that we achieve enlightenment when we feel about everyone in the world the same way we feel about our children. When we are willing to sacrifice everything for the solider on the other side of the world we have never met.
Meanwhile, I rolled my eyes at 4 people today (2 of which deserved it, 2 of which it's just reflexive now) and I stopped speaking to my husband when he played soccer on a night I wanted to chat. I have to start smaller.
So I'm homeward bound. Bound we are, indeed.
I started hearing that phrase as Congress and the President lobbied back and forth about what to do in Syria. I am so very tired of the idea that surgical strikes can only harm the bad guys. There must be a place we can evolve into that doesn't involve killing people. Surgeons work for 10 hours in teams to save a life and yet we talk so casually about taking others. I sometimes wonder if my political beliefs are sagging just like my.....well, other parts.
So I ponder the metaphysics of it all....which life is worth saving and which is expendable. Which lives I would give my life for and I think back to the dharma talk I attended a couple of months ago. Geishe Dondup told his audience that we achieve enlightenment when we feel about everyone in the world the same way we feel about our children. When we are willing to sacrifice everything for the solider on the other side of the world we have never met.
Meanwhile, I rolled my eyes at 4 people today (2 of which deserved it, 2 of which it's just reflexive now) and I stopped speaking to my husband when he played soccer on a night I wanted to chat. I have to start smaller.
So I'm homeward bound. Bound we are, indeed.
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