So Grateful

I know I have been writing a lot about gratitude but bear with me.....this was the view from my room at Mass General. I spent some time Wednesday morning looking out the window and realizing that for better or worse, my heart now has a tiny piece of metal attached to it and I made it through the surgery. My 12 year old doctor (well, he was the sous chef doctor, the one sent out to speak with patients) told me that the floor staff viewed me as "colorful". I view myself as colorful, so that worked out. I am extremely grateful that I can pee on my own. For twelve hours on Tuesday, that was not the case. Sitting in your own pee is a humbling experience. I have enjoyed every bathroom experience since then. I am grateful for my 91 year old roommate, Millie, who showed me that you are never too old to handle fear with grace and humor. She and her daughter toasted my small victories through a cloth curtain, since neither of us could move. I am grateful for my mom managing the home front, and my husband being rock solid as I contemplated running at the last minute. All my friends....I can't even capture their generosity so I will say thank you for the flowers, the cards, the emails, the food, the stool softeners, the magazines, the books, and the validation in every phone call that I was not losing my mind. So, today I am home resting and feeling strong. I will never forget that I hit the lottery by having insurance, by living this close to one of the best hospitals in the world, and most of all by the good karma I have been a recipient of.....although I am excited about my next life, I have a few things on my to do list for this one so I am grateful to be given the chance


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Celebration

In New England, at the Reitsma Thanksgiving celebration, one honors what our forefathers/mothers had to do by chopping wood! I like it.....

....but, I'm not that great at it! The key component to not ending up at the ER is to keep your feet apart in case your axe misses entirely and comes winging back at you. We learned the following:

1. The more wood you chop, the more turkey you get to eat.

2. Having your little cousin shout at you "prove your manliness" does not help with your accuracy.

3. Safety goggles are a good thing.

4. You can remain stylish while chopping:)

Hope you all had a great day!

Gratitude

I wrote the word "Gratitude" on the board yesterday as a reminder to my students and to myself that if we hold that, and compassion, in our hearts, that is as good a place as any to start with managing all the rest of our tumultuous feelings.

This year has been a difficult one, in many ways. I heard the phrase "stroke survivor" applied to me for the first time and my neurologist enrolled me in a clinical trial for folks who had a stroke and recovered without long lasting effects. Last Friday she showed me the spot on my MRI that indicated the stroke. She pointed out that scar tissue had formed and so this event probably happened several years ago. As an athlete, this wasn't a label I thought I would be wearing at 45 but I am grateful. With the dx of stroke, the Mass General PFO closure committee, which meets every Wednesday, voted to approve the operation to close my PFO. This will decrease my chances of having another stroke in the future. I am grateful to have access to the best medical care in the world, and to have insurance that will (hopefully) cover this procedure.

As I have written about lately, I am grateful for my family and friends, all rock-solid at a time when I feel vulnerable and needy....two states with which I am neither familiar nor comfortable.

I am grateful for my church and my spiritual beliefs. The first noble truth in Buddhist belief is that life is suffering and the underlying given is that as unenlightened beings, we are out of balance. Most of us are unaware of this but at moments, you get to lean into the sharp points. These clarifying moments allow you to drop what is superficial and expand your soul, I think.

I am grateful for the role of creativity, poetry, and art in my life. I am just finishing a biography of Anne Morrow Lindbergh, married to Charles Lindbergh and survivor of the kidnapping and murder of her first born son. She wrote this:

I keep realizing all the time that suffering isn't enough for true learning, for true understanding, for true vision...I used to think 'one learns by suffering'...One doesn't, though. One learns thorough suffering and beauty. One alone won't do it. You've got to have both..You must remain open--vulnerable."

Finally, I am so very grateful for the people who take the time and energy and read my blog. This online community has allowed me the space to write things I can't say, and therefore has allowed me to stay open. Love to you all!